Thoughts and Feelings, and the Lack Thereof

I have wanted to get back into blogging for a couple weeks now but I keep struggling with what to write about.*Gasp!* How can that be? Me without any thoughts to share or feelings to express? No way! It’s not like my life is devoid of subject matter. I’m definitely the only woman I know with my specific circumstances-wife to a deployed sailor, a full-time mom of three children, and pregnant with a fourth. Stories like mine don’t get told every day, you know.  And I’m typically more than eager to share my emotions with the world in an attempt to help friends and family know me better. So what’s with the writer’s block?

Maybe, just maybe, it’s because I spend most of my days now trying NOT to focus on my thoughts and feelings.

Last year was a very dark, dark time for me. I spent a little too much time thinking and feeling. It was easy to get lost in all those negative emotions- sadness, loneliness, worry, fear- and it took me a long time to pull myself out of the deep abyss into which I had plummeted.  The only way I manage now not to be thrown back down to that same dark place is, basically, to tune it out and turn it off. I had to stop living in my head. Enough with the self-evaluation. No more looking inward. Thoughts and feelings are nothing but depression fodder. Somewhere inside me there is a wife who yearns for her husband to come home, and a mother who is scared to death of becoming a mom of four on her own, and a daughter who cries because she can’t afford to go home to visit her family, and a woman who can’t seem to get over the loss of some of her most beloved friends… and I could go on and on... but all that is no good, you see. Because it all leads me back to darkness. So, over time and with some practice, I’ve gotten good at ignoring my thoughts and feelings.

You could even say I’ve got it down to an art. I don’t think too much, I don’t feel too much... I just do. I do a lot. I keep busy doing things. And there’s never a shortage of things to do. Do the laundry, do the dishes, do the vacuuming, do the shopping, do the cooking, do the bills and the budget. Take Josie to school and to cheer practice every Wednesday, take Jamie to speech twice a week, take Johnny outside to play, take myself to the doctor to check on Jeremy. Send James an email, send him some pictures, send him a package.  Go to the mall to do some shopping. Go to church on Sunday mornings. Go to the park on warm, sunny days. These are the things I do to keep my heart and mind busy. I have a lot of people say to me, “I just don’t know how you do it.” I just do it. That’s the key, really. It’s that simple. I do it because it has to be done, and I do it with as little thought and feeling as possible.

Reading over the above paragraphs I realize how sad I make my life sound. I don’t want you to think that I’ve become some heartless, soulless monster. Don’t send out a mob with pitchforks just yet. Instead of saying that ‘I don’t feel’ I should probably say more specifically that I have become more selective of which feelings I allow myself to feel. (It’s quite liberating, actually. You should try it sometime!) Over the past few months I’ve perfected my ability to live happily by focusing only on the good thoughts and positive emotions. I have found much pleasure in kindling relationships with my fellow Navy wives- some whom I met years ago while our families were stationed in New York, and some whom have only recently stepped into my social circle. There is great, great comfort to be found in the bosom of these kindred spirits. Also, living within reasonable driving distance to my two sisters who live in Northern Virginia has re-opened my heart to the satisfactions of family closeness. Being together for holidays and special events (or even just to hang out for the weekend) had become a foreign concept to me over the years but now that those things are within my grasp again I have relishing in every opportunity. And then there are my children- my shining light through everything. I continue to revel in the joys of being Mommy to Josie, Jamie, and Johnny- watching them grow and helping them thrive- and now to baby Jeremy as well. The excitement of holding this new, precious boy in my arms never disappoints at the end of a long, hard day. These are the things that I hope to write more about in the coming months.

So what have I been doing these past few months that I haven’t been blogging? Well, I’ve been busy doing. Just doing. Staying active. Living in the moment. Something sounds fun? Let’s do it! And, if by chance, I should find myself sitting idly and starting to think and feel too much? Well then I call up a friend and ask if we can come to dinner! Or I get down on the floor and play a game with the kids, or lie on the couch and wait for Jeremy to give my belly a nudge. These are the only thoughts and feelings that I want to/ will allow myself to focus on right now. And so far it seems to be serving me well. Life is good. Or, at least, as good as it can be for a woman in my circumstances.