Testimony of a Cloth Diaper Convert

My name is Jennifer and I am a newly converted cloth diaper-er.

I first started diapering in 2006 when I had my first baby. At the time, using disposable diapers seemed like the only logical choice. As far as I knew cloth diapering meant wrapping a white rag around a baby's butt and fastening it closed with a safety pin. It sounded crude, complicated, and, surely, not for me. So for years I utilized the services of Huggies, Pampers, Luvs, and various other generic brands, with little regard for that mysterious cult of mothers who did it the old fashioned way.

It wasn't until four years later, in 2010, that I first became exposed to the true world of cloth diapering in its modern form. A young mother named Christine came into my life (and eventually became a very, very dear friend) who was in the throes of using cloth diapers on her one year old son. I will admit that when I first learned that she was a dedicated cloth diaper-er, my eyes just about popped out of my head and I thought, "she must be out of her mind!" But as our friendship progressed, and as I saw that she was in fact quite sane, I had more and more occassions to watch her in action. And she made it look easy! For the first time the notion of using cloth diapers entered my mind as more of a realistic idea as opposed to some sort of ridiculous, antiquated, motherhood legend. Still, I thought, "Good for her! But its not for me."

The next stage of my progression from skeptic to believer happened slowly and subtly, so much so that I barely noticed it was happening at all. I woke up one morning a few months ago and it seemed that half the moms I knew were cloth diapering. All of them are moms who I highly admire and respect. I found myself asking questions. If they could do it, then why couldn’t I? The more I learned, the more intrigued I became. Maybe it was the peer pressure that got to me. Or, if I’m being honest, maybe it was the sheer thrill of the matter. After three babies I’ve become pretty confident in my skills and most of the matters of infant care have lost their challenge. So why not spice things up a little for baby number four? Plus, there was no denying the financial benefit. Come September we will have two boys in diapers and are bound to save buckets of money if we can scratch ‘diapers’ off the grocery list before we even start shopping. The writing seemed to be on the wall.

So I took the plunge and placed an order for two dozen bumGenius 4.0 cloth diapers. A week later they arrived at my doorstep in a beautiful array of blue, green, and yellow. Filled with excitement, I couldn’t wait to 'try them on for size.' Thus, on May 8^th, 2012 I became a cloth diaper convert.

It’s been six days since our household went cloth and I have no intentions of ever going back. I’ve changed approximately 30 diapers and done 3 loads of diaper laundry. It’s been quick and easy and, seriously, the only time I give it any thought is when I’m admiring how cute Johnny’s butt looks in that big, soft, fluffy diaper.

When Josie realized that something was different and I explained that Johnny had a new type of diaper that was made out of fabric and not paper she said, “Wow, that’s cool! I love it.” Jamie has no opinion as far as I can tell. I can’t be sure if Johnny notices the change. He’s always been a happy baby, but I like to think that he’s just a smidgen happier now in his comfy, cozy bum wear. I did have to loosen the waistband in all his 2T shorts to make room for the extra girth. Thank goodness for Gymboree’s adjustable waist feature! Ha ha. I take pride in knowing that Jeremy will be raised in cloth diapers and I plan to stock up before his arrival. But you know, the thing I am loving most about my new cloth diaper conversion is that it makes me feel good about myself (and mothers have far too many opportunities to feel badly about themselves these days). Several times this week I sat down on my couch to stuff clean cotton inserts into freshly dried diaper pockets and in those precious moments I was filled with satisfaction at the good work I was doing. Good for the environment, good for our pocket book, good for my baby. Now how can anyone possibly argue with that?

So if you’re one of the people who thinks that I’ve lost my mind, don’t be so quick to judge. If you’re a mother with young children then I suggest you give the idea of cloth diapering a chance; it’s not as crazy as you think. And if you’re one of the women who helped me make this leap of faith and opened my eyes to the beauty of cloth diapers, THANK YOU!

Instructions Not Included

Holding newborn Josie in my first moments of motherhood

It is common knowledge that children do not come with instruction manuals. If you’re a parent then you know that from the moment you first held your tiny babe in your arms and looked down at their helpless face, you have been asking yourself, “How…?” No amount of preparation or education can fully equip us as mothers and fathers and, in those moments of sheer panic when the weight of parental responsibility pushes down heavily on our shoulders, we find ourselves praying. Praying for guidance, for answers, for remedies, for solutions. We yearn for that legendary instruction manual. If only such a thing existed…

I’m no expert. But with three children and a fourth on the way I at least know enough to have an idea of what that manual might look like. Bound with a thick woven cover and printed on heavy paper, it would intimidate most readers. In size it would rival even The Good Book itself. When we opened the binding we would be overwhelmed with that unmistakable smell of a book that has been passed down for generations, creased by innumerable hands. With care we reverently turn each page, awed by the wisdom to be found within. We flip through the first few chapters on bonding, breastfeeding, sleep training. We skip forward past solid foods and teething, past crawling, walking and separation anxiety. We keep skimming through the chapters and see a section on How to Tame a Tantrum. That’s a good one, but not what we’re looking for. Next is How to Scrub Crayon off Every Surface Imaginable. Another good one, but we keep going….How to Make a Picky Eater Eat. Oops, we went too far. Flip back a few pages. Ahhh, there it is- the chapter I was looking for.

I’m trying to find an answer to a question that continues to plague me: How much should a mother play with her children?

Play is such an important part of childhood. Arguably it is THE most important part. As a mother, I realize that I have a vital role in fostering healthy play time. I want to participate in this important aspect of my children’s lives as much as possible. I love being a part of pretend, and playing in their games, and leading crafts. But I also see the value in encouraging them to self-perpetuate their own play. I want them to learn how to entertain themselves. And I also know that practically a mother cannot play with her children at all times- there is housework to be done, after all. Plus there are times when a woman just can’t muster one more high-pitched, goofy character voice or take one more sip of make-believe tea. At least not if she’s going to keep her sanity. I constantly find myself weighing the pros and cons of participating in my kids’ play, most often in an attempt to fight off the guilt that follows those days when I haven’t made time to play with them at all. But there’s no Instruction Manual so there’s no easy answer. Most likely it boils down to finding the perfect balance. I work continually toward maintaining such a balance for my kids in our household.

All last week I looked forward to taking the kids to the beach on Saturday. It had been a long, busy week and I felt like I’d done too much supervising and not enough interacting. Going to the beach has become a new favorite activity of mine. For the short time that we’re there I can leave all my other obligations behind and focus solely on my kids. On the beach, Josie, Jamie, and Johnny have my full, uninterrupted attention. I admire their seashells. I help them dig holes and look for crabs. I splash with them in the waves. I wrap them in their towels and cuddle them dry. On the beach, having fun comes easy.

Parenthood is filled with unanswered questions. We’re never completely sure if we’ve done enough and we’re always feeling guilty about falling short. But some days- the really special ones- leave us feeling one step closer to satisfied. I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure that if there was an instruction manual for parents and if it contained a chapter on how much parents should play with their kids, it would probably have at least one paragraph about going to the beach and no less than one sentence about building a sandcastle. I’m happy to say that that’s one box I can put a check mark in!

Thoughts and Feelings, and the Lack Thereof

I have wanted to get back into blogging for a couple weeks now but I keep struggling with what to write about.*Gasp!* How can that be? Me without any thoughts to share or feelings to express? No way! It’s not like my life is devoid of subject matter. I’m definitely the only woman I know with my specific circumstances-wife to a deployed sailor, a full-time mom of three children, and pregnant with a fourth. Stories like mine don’t get told every day, you know.  And I’m typically more than eager to share my emotions with the world in an attempt to help friends and family know me better. So what’s with the writer’s block?

Maybe, just maybe, it’s because I spend most of my days now trying NOT to focus on my thoughts and feelings.

Last year was a very dark, dark time for me. I spent a little too much time thinking and feeling. It was easy to get lost in all those negative emotions- sadness, loneliness, worry, fear- and it took me a long time to pull myself out of the deep abyss into which I had plummeted.  The only way I manage now not to be thrown back down to that same dark place is, basically, to tune it out and turn it off. I had to stop living in my head. Enough with the self-evaluation. No more looking inward. Thoughts and feelings are nothing but depression fodder. Somewhere inside me there is a wife who yearns for her husband to come home, and a mother who is scared to death of becoming a mom of four on her own, and a daughter who cries because she can’t afford to go home to visit her family, and a woman who can’t seem to get over the loss of some of her most beloved friends… and I could go on and on... but all that is no good, you see. Because it all leads me back to darkness. So, over time and with some practice, I’ve gotten good at ignoring my thoughts and feelings.

You could even say I’ve got it down to an art. I don’t think too much, I don’t feel too much... I just do. I do a lot. I keep busy doing things. And there’s never a shortage of things to do. Do the laundry, do the dishes, do the vacuuming, do the shopping, do the cooking, do the bills and the budget. Take Josie to school and to cheer practice every Wednesday, take Jamie to speech twice a week, take Johnny outside to play, take myself to the doctor to check on Jeremy. Send James an email, send him some pictures, send him a package.  Go to the mall to do some shopping. Go to church on Sunday mornings. Go to the park on warm, sunny days. These are the things I do to keep my heart and mind busy. I have a lot of people say to me, “I just don’t know how you do it.” I just do it. That’s the key, really. It’s that simple. I do it because it has to be done, and I do it with as little thought and feeling as possible.

Reading over the above paragraphs I realize how sad I make my life sound. I don’t want you to think that I’ve become some heartless, soulless monster. Don’t send out a mob with pitchforks just yet. Instead of saying that ‘I don’t feel’ I should probably say more specifically that I have become more selective of which feelings I allow myself to feel. (It’s quite liberating, actually. You should try it sometime!) Over the past few months I’ve perfected my ability to live happily by focusing only on the good thoughts and positive emotions. I have found much pleasure in kindling relationships with my fellow Navy wives- some whom I met years ago while our families were stationed in New York, and some whom have only recently stepped into my social circle. There is great, great comfort to be found in the bosom of these kindred spirits. Also, living within reasonable driving distance to my two sisters who live in Northern Virginia has re-opened my heart to the satisfactions of family closeness. Being together for holidays and special events (or even just to hang out for the weekend) had become a foreign concept to me over the years but now that those things are within my grasp again I have relishing in every opportunity. And then there are my children- my shining light through everything. I continue to revel in the joys of being Mommy to Josie, Jamie, and Johnny- watching them grow and helping them thrive- and now to baby Jeremy as well. The excitement of holding this new, precious boy in my arms never disappoints at the end of a long, hard day. These are the things that I hope to write more about in the coming months.

So what have I been doing these past few months that I haven’t been blogging? Well, I’ve been busy doing. Just doing. Staying active. Living in the moment. Something sounds fun? Let’s do it! And, if by chance, I should find myself sitting idly and starting to think and feel too much? Well then I call up a friend and ask if we can come to dinner! Or I get down on the floor and play a game with the kids, or lie on the couch and wait for Jeremy to give my belly a nudge. These are the only thoughts and feelings that I want to/ will allow myself to focus on right now. And so far it seems to be serving me well. Life is good. Or, at least, as good as it can be for a woman in my circumstances.