Regret

When I woke up this morning I deleted this entire post (well, not this one, obviously, but the first draft of it). It wasn’t because it was poorly written. On the contrary, it opened up with an entertaining account of the time I recently ate cat food during a grown-up game of Truth or Dare with my three sisters and it was so vivid that it would have left you with the urge to pick tuna and liver flavored granules from between your teeth and choke back that awful aftertaste. Then it went on to explain how sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be me. It was a story of choices and of regret. I had written about three-fourths of the post before I went to bed last night, but then I woke up this morning stricken with pangs of guilt and shame and I immediately rushed to the computer to erase all the evidence of my loathing self-doubt.

Ironically, that rejected post that was filled with so much emotional despair was actually spurred by an incredibly satisfying experience.

Yesterday afternoon the kids and I ventured to Kelly’s house for our much anticipated dinner date with her family. (You may remember that I declared this to be my little victory from a couple weeks ago.) Kelly, her husband Thomas, and their three kids Ava, Griffin, and Eamon are the friendliest people I have ever met. Spending time with them was so fun and so easy. Their back yard is literally a playland paradise- treehouse, swing set, slide, sandbox, play house, pool, sprinkler, ride-on toys of every shape and size and even an adorable pet bunny. Josie, Jamie, and Johnny thought they had died and gone to heaven.

Our kids played together for hours and Kelly and I had a chance to really converse for the first time in a fully social atmosphere. It was wonderful! Our friendship is so new that we got to start from the beginning by asking each other those big questions: Where did you go to college? How did you meet your husband? When were you married? How old were you when you had your first baby? And on and on and on…. I’m pretty sure that we covered everything, starting back from childhood and looking ahead to retirement.

Recapitulating my life for her in this way and in that setting really got me thinking. By the time we had said our good-byes and as I was driving home I found myself scrutinizing every major life decision I had ever made. And then I wondered, if I’d chosen differently, could I be living Kelly’s life?

I know, I know. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” But from my perspective it sure seems like Kelly is living the dream life. She has a well-kept house and a gorgeously groomed garden. Her husband is devoted to his home improvement project but he stops his work so that he can energetically play with all the kids, and then he only takes a break from playing in order to grill dinner for everyone. Kelly and her family can live together in that same house, near family and where they've made memories, for as long as they want. Kelly is a patient, loving mom and an intelligent, professional working woman all at once. Her kids are gracious, articulate, and adorable to boot!

And then in contrast, there’s me. My house is a wreck and my yard is overgrown. My husband is who-knows-where and hasn’t fixed a thing, played with our kids, or grilled dinner since I-can’t-remember-when. There is no permanence in our near future and I have no idea where we'll end up. I’m a frantic, impatient, emotional wreck on all fronts. Just about the only thing that Kelly and I have in common is that my kids are adorable too. But in general my current state of being leaves something to be desired. So when I got home last night I began to write about regretting the decisions that lead me to stray so far from that dream life.

However, before I could post it, I deleted it. I woke up feeling like an awful person for even considering such thoughts. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house.” Right? I’m a sinner. Yes, this is true. But as I thought some more about the subject I started reconciling with myself with the idea that people are designed to scrutinize their pasts. God endowed us with the beautiful gift of free will. The ability to choose comes with the obligation to analyze and evaluate. I would even go so far as to say that He calls us to regret. Without regret we would never see the error of our sinful ways and turn to His mercy for salvation.

So after I came to terms with the fact that it is okay to question myself and my decisions, I felt at liberty to follow that thought process to wherever it may lead. And this is where it brought me: Even now knowing that I would spend half of our relationship separated by endless spans of ocean, I would not choose to have never fallen in love with James. If I’d never fallen in love with James then we never would have been married and if we were never married then we wouldn’t have moved to New York and had children together. If we’d never moved to New York then we never would have bought a house that we wouldn’t be able to sell and if we’d never had a house we couldn’t sell then I wouldn’t have been left in New York without him for an extra year. And if we’d never had children then we never would have had a son with a speech delay. And if I’d never been left in New York for that extra year and we didn’t have a son with a speech delay then I never would have met Kelly. And if I’d never met Kelly then I never would have been sitting on her patio, summarizing my life, and admiring her dream-like world. And if I’d never done that then I never would have sat down to write this blog post and if I’d never written this post then I never would have come to this ultimate conclusion…. I have no regrets!

I don’t regret becoming me. I love my life; more specifically, I love the people in my life. I love my husband, I love my kids, and I love my friends. Sure, there are some aspects of my current circumstances that I wish I could change, but I do not regret making any of the decisions that made me me. Well, okay… there may be one exception. Eating that cat food was a very bad choice.