Insights into the Life of a Navy Wife, Part IV

I am a wonderful Navy wife. I have an awesome work ethic and I am a great self-motivator. I accumulated these skills through middle school, high school, and college and anyone who knew me during those times of my life could, I’m sure, attest to the academic success I won using sheer ambition and mighty perseverance. I am really good at using my own initiative to accomplish a great deal. There is an inner-voice inside my head that pushes me to keep working, no matter how much I loathe the process, because I know that I will be proud of the outcome.

For the most part I am able to spur myself into action using sheer will-power, but every once in a while I need a little nudge. The easiest method I’ve found for conjuring up a little extra get-up-and-go is to listen to powerful female music artists. I like Shania Twain, and Pink is always fun, but my most favorite female singer is Kelly Clarkson. This afternoon, after I had put all the kids in bed for afternoon naps, I found myself at the ironing board turning up, pressing, and pinning a ¼ inch hem on a crib dust ruffle that I’ve been wanting to make as a finishing touch on the boys’ bedroom but haven’t been able to actually set my mind to, while bobbing my head and shaking my hips to Kelly Clarkson’s “Miss Independent.” Now, I have a few bra-burning friends who would have a thing or two to say about the fact that I use chick power rock to inspire my fully stereotypical domestic sewing endeavors….but that’s another story……

Some of the words to that song struck a chord with me: “Miss Independent, Miss Self-sufficient, Miss On-her-own.” I know those women.

I have a friend named Erin. She is a Navy wife and her husband is currently deployed. She is a mother to three children. She is a church-going, bible-toting, verse-quoting, Jesus-loving, fully devoted Christian woman. Erin redefines the definition of “housewife.” She oversees all the usual domestic chores like cooking and cleaning but in addition she is continually taking on home improvement projects that would put professional handy-men to shame. She builds furniture, re-wires light fixtures, lays tile, and installs appliances and plumbing. In the last two months alone she built a fence around her back yard and then constructed a stone patio, complete with flower bed, fire pit, benches, and barbeque station. The things this woman can do on her own are jaw-dropping. She is Miss Independent.

I have another friend named Mary. She is also a Navy wife and a mother of three children. Her husband is stationed aboard an aircraft carrier out of Yokosuka, Japan. For years she has been managing her household on the other side of the world. When the tsunamis hit the Japanese coast the Navy ships took the sailors far out to sea and then asked their families to evacuate back to the States. Mary had to pack one 50 lbs bag full of her family’s possessions, leaving all else behind not knowing when or if they would ever return, and take her three sons on a 14 hour plane ride across the Pacific ocean. A couple weeks after they had arrived, gotten settled, and re-acclimated to Western culture, the Navy ordered her family to return to Japan. She did it all by herself. She is Miss Self-sufficient.

I recently met a woman named Kourtney. She is a new Navy wife. She married her husband weeks before he left on deployment. They never had time to live together before his departure. In preparation for his return she packed up everything she owned and left everyone she loved back in New York in order to come to Virginia and build a home for him to come home to. She has had to start from scratch- picking out a sofa and a mattress and a television and dishes- all without her husband’s input or advice. She is Miss On-her-own.

I know that Kelly Clarkson wasn't singing about Navy wives, but the description is pretty accurate.

. . . . .

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the word ‘independence’ this week. I’m sure that half of it has to do with the Independence Day holiday that we all celebrated a week ago. The other half of it has to do with something my mom told me while she was visiting. She told me that I had changed since the last time she saw me, which was in December, right before James deployed. I asked for clarification and she told me that I was “harder, calloused.” I nodded my head. I had no argument. It’s true, and I know why. Too much independence will do that to a woman.

You can’t be a Navy wife and do all the things we have to do without being changed. Somewhere in the course of the last six or more months we taught ourselves to stop needing and to stop wanting because we knew we couldn’t have the things (specifically, our husbands and their help and their support and their affections) that we so desperately longed for. And we get sick when we see someone complain, “woe is me!” because her spouse is away for a weekend retreat or a week-long business trip. I have an urge to shout at them. Try a month or two apart, or better yet, try six and then you can cry. Sorry, that’s the callousness talking.  It’s a survival mechanism. We have to keep our hearts protected. We have to be strong. In some ways we have the weight of the entire nation resting on our shoulders because if we don’t do our job then our husbands can’t do their jobs and if our husbands don’t do their jobs then the Navy can’t do its job. The knowledge of that responsibility makes us powerful and we are proud of it.

Last week we all celebrated Independence Day. Across the nation there were people waving flags and throwing parties and watching elaborate fireworks shows. We honored the members of the military, past and present, who sacrificed so much- in many cases, everything- so that America could enjoy her freedom. But this week I would like to declare a new type of Independence Day, in honor of the independent women who do it all and do it on their own. Instead of playing a patriotic anthem we may instead blast some power chick rock through our speakers while the kids are napping. There won’t be any flags waving or fireworks bursting, there is just this passing recognition of the self-less contribution of independent women. By the end of this week thousands of our sailors will return home and when they do they will reclaim their positions at the head of our households. The transition will come as a welcome relief in many ways and as a challenging struggle in others. But out of love we will leave our hard-fought-for independence at the pier, gracefully and humbly, and resume our positions by our sailors’ sides. It will take immeasurable strength, just as the past six months have taken. Ladies, I salute you! You have earned the right to celebrate this week.