Mountains out of Molehills

You’ve probably heard the expression, “Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.” Our favorite family animated series, Phineas and Ferb, has an episode that plays on that idiom. The show’s villain, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, decides that he wants to take the slogan literally and prove to his critics that he really can make a mountain out of a molehill. He invents a device- which he names the “mountain-out-of-a-molehill-inator”- that will make all the molehills grow to the size of mountains. When he does so he also unexpectedly causes an inhabiting mole to grow into a monstrous creature and it wreaks havoc on the town, destroying everything in its path. Doofenshmirtz concludes, “So that is why they say you shouldn’t make molehills into mountains.”

It’s good for a laugh, but when it comes down to it, this is no joke. Mountains from molehills is my new reality, no “–inator” needed. With James gone, every daily task has become an endeavor. There’s no such thing as, “I’ll just run in and get some milk” or “I’ll just make a quick stop at the Post Office.” Everywhere I go I have to take all three kids with me. Needless to say, running errands is hell.

Today was an errand day.

I packed up the kids, loaded them into the minivan, and headed off to my 8 AM doctor appointment. As soon as we walked into the waiting room I knew we were going to have trouble. There was a brightly decorated Christmas tree standing in the corner and a cute snowman display on the knee-high coffee table- irresistible pleasures to little curious minds and tiny inquisitive hands. Jamie knocked ornament after ornament off the tree and Josie was more than happy to re-hang them. Luckily we didn’t have to wait long, but the exam rooms are more of a haven for misbehavior than the waiting room. So many shiny things to touch! At one point, Jamie got his finger smashed when he tried pulling the stirrup out of the patient bed and slammed it back too quickly. The doctor scolded him for pushing buttons. And Josie asked me again and again with the utmost concern if there was going to be shots.

The appointment was over quickly (thankfully!) but we were left with some extra time because the stores I needed to go to didn’t open until 10 o’clock. So I decided I’d take the kids to Dunkin Donuts while we waited. We enjoyed a few peaceful moments while the kids devoured their sprinkled frosted donuts. My hot chocolate was a little too hot to drink so I poured a bit of the kid’s cold milk into my cup. Before I even knew what was happening, Jamie had taken the milk chug and dumped the remainder of the milk into my cup, overflowing the contents onto the table, into my lap, and down to the floor. This was a good sign that it was time to leave.

We didn’t even make it to the car before Jamie began misbehaving again. He ran into the parking lot, where he saw a puddle, and began splashing. When I told him to come he ran the other way, into the drive-through lane. I grabbed his wrist with one hand while holding Johnny in the other and pulled him to the car, trying to avoid a scene. I should have strapped him into his car seat right away…but I didn’t. I allowed Josie and Jamie to remain unrestrained in the car while I nursed Johnny in the passenger seat. Jamie played with the steering wheel, turned the radio dials, adjusted the rearview mirror, activated the emergency flashing lights- all of which I could handle. But when he took my leftover pumpkin muffin and crumbled it into pieces and smooshed the crumbs into the upholstery I had had enough. Johnny’s meal got cut short and I forced everyone into their seats and drove off to our next destination.

At Best Buy I wanted to avoid chasing anyone through the aisles of extremely expensive merchandise so I unloaded the stroller and buckled the boys in. The sales associates were friendly, but slow. Or maybe they just seemed slow because Jamie was screaming the entire trip. He wanted to be let out of the stroller so he wrenched his back, tugged the seatbelt straps, and cried with all his might. He also took off his hat and his shoes and threw them as hard as he could. We were quite a spectacle. I received some looks of scorn, some looks of pity, and a few of admiration….oh, if they only knew the half of it!

Our next stop was the mall. This time I had Josie and Jamie riding in the stroller with Johnny riding in the sling. We made a trip to the family restroom so that I could empty my bladder. Josie insisted that she did not have to go. Next, I thought it would be nice for the kids to run around and release some energy so we went to the play area. Everyone played happily for a few minutes but, of course, just when I started to nurse Johnny everything turned sour. Jamie attempted to escape so I had to chase after him and drag him back by his diaper with Johnny still suckling on my boob. In an angry fit, he pushed a little boy off one of the toys so I sternly sat him beside me and yelled at him for his unacceptable behavior. Just then, while I held a nursing Johnny on my left and a screaming Jamie on my right, Josie came up and told me that she had to go potty. Ugh…..are you feeling my pain yet?

So once again I had to deny Johnny his full meal and rush the kids off to the bathroom. By this point I just wanted to get out of there but there was no turning back now.

Just then, Josie spotted Santa Claus. I could see the excitement in the kid’s eyes so I gave in and wheeled them down the ramp to see him. For the first time ever Josie walked right up to Santa and sat on his lap. (For the past four years she’s been scared to death of him and wouldn’t get within feet of the man with the white beard.) It was adorable; a picture perfect moment! But the stupid photographer had left her camera and was selling merchandise to the previous customers. I waited a couple minutes but I could see that she wasn’t coming back any time soon. So I took out my phone and snapped a few quick pics. And you won’t believe what happened next….Santa got angry! He scolded me for taking my own picture, even though the woman who should have been capturing my child’s precious holiday moment was peddling cheap plastic frames to a gullible mom. Okay, okay. I know they’re trying to run a business. So it’s okay that he was upset with me. But what he shouldn’t have done- but did- is rudely tell Josie to get off his lap and leave. My poor baby girl was almost in tears!  We stormed away.

Gymboree is usually my happy place so if anything could remedy the situation it would be redeeming my Gymboree Rewards dollars. Not today though. The store was packed. I can usually park my kids in front of the television near the back and manage to grab the items I want in the correct sizes without too much hassle. But today there were four strollers blocking the TV. Even more annoying though, was the grandmother of two twin boys who was barking out commands. Except instead of using the common declarative form (“sit”, “stop”, “listen”) she added an –ing. She said to the boys while they were attempting to push the children’s chairs around the room, “Stopping, stopping. Sitting, sitting! We’re stopping and sitting.” Then she proceeded to verbally assault the store manager because there weren’t two of the vests she wanted in the same size and because two of the same shirts were both labeled as 18-24 months but if you set them up against each other you could see that the sleeves were longer on one. OMG! Seriously lady? GET A LIFE!

Okay, I’d like to say that this was the end to my nightmare. But once we left the mall and as I was stowing the stroller in the trunk I remembered that I’d left a DVD in the portable player that we just exchanged at Best Buy. I might have considered it lost and headed home without it, but this was one of the kid’s favorite discs, a collection of classic Mickey Mouse cartoons that isn’t available for sale anymore. So I had to drive back, wait in line, and ask the associate to retrieve my disc.

These nine paragraphs full of drama occurred in less than four hours. And this is my daily adventure- one disaster after another, a few mishaps followed by some misfortune. I love my kids, I love my life, but I really hate days like today.

...And believe it or not, I left some things out.